Monday, March 23, 2009


Isn't this a lovely way to start a Monday? I really like this song because I think I "get it" a little better than others, not as good as some...

In a not-so-distant former life, I got a front-row seat to a wide spectrum of mental illnesses, from organic confusions to BPD. The easiest class I took as an undergrad was abnormal psychology...I slept through the chapter on medications and still aced the test,with high mention for the essay on tricyclics, because I was a daily (and occasional nightly) witness to it. From an outsider's perspective, I couldn't at the time imagine ever wanting to live that roller-coaster life first-hand (it was nauseating enough living it second-hand). To the point: my companion at the time was convinced I had BPD (Actually, it was ADD, thankyouverymuch), so much so that I soon found myself at the doctor's office, getting a prescription for lithium. At the time, I didn't want the ensuing conflict of telling my companion "no", I did have a problem (just not BPD), and I was not averse to better living through prescribed pharmaceuticals.

I took them for 1 week, and that's it. I can't truly describe the feeling to you, it was like being tightly wrapped up, inside and out, with a metaphorical version of bubble wrap. My passion is teaching (technology and French), and I couldn't get half the rush I usually got from teaching, and apparently neither could my class, as they finally broached the subject (intervention-style) mid-week to ask me if I was sick or dying or something. I've never really wanted to or think I could fathom being on that stuff long-term.

I would imagine that for some, it's a relief to not be on that emotional roller-coaster. For others, I suspect they prefer the disorder.

And for someone who has never taken it, Amy Lee seems to capture the desperation-turned-to-anger that having one's "will to fly" drowned in medication evokes in some. Some people are willing to undergo, and even thrive on, the ascent from the ashes to "l'azur", knowing full well that, like Icarus, they will find themselves in the ashes once again.

Oh, the video, too.